# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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