So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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