So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
