i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
