My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
