Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My bed smells like the plague
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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