thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
