I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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