I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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