It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
