True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
