I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
