I feel great
I just peed on a car
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
