i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
