Too much gin, very little bucket
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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