if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
