My Higher Power is John Stamos
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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