When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
