I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
