you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
