roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
