fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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