I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I intend to get homeless drunk
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We are two peas in an std pod
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
