I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
