when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
