holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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