Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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