i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
