I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I need water and some morals
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
