life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
