I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
