My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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