I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize
