So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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