drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Everclear isn't food dammit
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
