Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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