Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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