Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
