he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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