I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Vodka?
Forever.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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