She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Come on in and take your pants off
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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