Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
