we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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