I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
