There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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