Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
are you so shy because you have an std?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
