i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
