420 ftw
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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