I wanna bring you to show and tell
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
