i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
